Sunset Ceilings
Written on 8-20-07.
I had a dream about you.
I wanted to paint my ceiling of a sunset
to always remind me of you
My subconscious made me cry
for us, for me,
for something my conscious self won’t allow.
I want to say…
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for those unspoken words.
I’m sorry for the spoken ones too.
I’m sorry I can’t wake up next to you.
I’m sorry that I can’t touch you again.
I miss you.
I miss you so much that it fucking hurts.
So much,
my insides are between a rock and a hard place
squeezed.
I want to cry when I hear random love and lost songs on the radio
I don’t know how I got here.
I don’t know where to begin and and where to end.
I love you.
in my own sickly masochistic way
in my own insecure tender way.
I love you.
And yes it was real.
It was so fucking real that I wish it was a dream
One that leaves you awake
One that still lingers
One that creates longing.
But to know that all it was…
was a dream
So I can let it pass.
You, it, me, us, you
were more real than my badly skinned knee
more real that my mom’s spicy sate fun soup
more real than these mosquito bites
more real than mint chocolate ice cream
more real than the sunsets that remind me of you
more real than this pain that cripples me.
Now, I’m up past the midnight hour
Working on your CD
This masochistic process is helping me deal.
I love you.
I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.
The only appropriate place.
